


I settle for long distance calls, I'm lost in empty pillow talk

by amnesiaL1996



Category: HOTSHOT (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Established Relationship, Feelings, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 04:29:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17912051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amnesiaL1996/pseuds/amnesiaL1996
Summary: Taehyun can't sleep but maybe there is something (or someone) that could make him feel betterInspired by the song "If These Sheets Were the States" by All Time Low





	I settle for long distance calls, I'm lost in empty pillow talk

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by one of my favorite songs and a conversation with redhales (read her stories they are great and I put a lot of references to her hatae ffs https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhales/pseuds/redhales), it took me quite a lot but I finally managed to finish it  
> English is not my first language so some mistakes might have slipped  
> Thank you already if you'll read it and comments are always welcomed either here or on my twitter (@amnesiaL1996)

_This bed's an island made of feather down, and I'm stuck here alone_

_With little else but memories of you, on memory foam_

 

After all that time, he thought he had gotten used to the silence and loneliness of having a room all to himself. No more Donghan’s not-so-quiet giggles while he watched who knows what variety on his phone in the bed next to him or the whispered chats when Hyunbin slept there, no more anything but quietness and darkness once he turned off his own movies to try and get a decent amount of sleep.

On normal days, all of that wouldn’t have been a bother. Despite missing his kids (cause yeah, they were all overgrown children and had made him go crazy more than once during those months together, he had every right to consider them his kids) and recalling the memories of their dorm life  absolute fondness, he couldn’t have helped but feel relief when he had finally gone back home, his true home, with Junhyuk and Moonkyu and Yoonsan and Hojung, the family with who he had gone through hell and that he knew as the back of his hand, being perfectly adjusted to each other after all those years.

Still, there were some nights, much like that one, when the silence was too much and he couldn’t focus on watching anything to distract himself, nights during which he just laid there on his bed staring at the ceiling and missing the presence of someone else sleeping peacefully not far from him. Or maybe, if he could be honest with himself at least at that time of the night when no one else was up to judge him, even though not a drop of alcohol was flowing through his system to help him break down the high walls he had built around certain thoughts, he just felt the need of that missing piece of his life that was still absent and for which he longed much more than he should or he could ever admit.

 

_This room's become a mausoleum, filled with relics of regret_

_Paying dues to every moment wasted, on words left unsaid[…]_

_Visions of a brighter love, I'd kill for one more day  
To pool my thoughts, and find the words to say_

 

Thinking about it – thinking about him – didn’t bring anything but an uncomfortable weight on his chest that had been settled there for a long time but he had learnt to ignore for the best part of his days and came back to suffocate him only when he let his thoughts linger just a little bit too much on those dangerous what ifs.

It had been just too much time, too rushed meetings or texts and too much glass and pixels in front of him every time he had watched his face for a long while not to miss him, he told to himself, trying to push back everything else he felt and failing cause nothing else could really distract him from them in that moment.

When was the last time he had heard from him? His birthday right, he had visited despite everything, and he had felt so glad for that time together back then but remembering it now it seemed just so short and meaningless, not because he had not appreciated it but just because… because it wasn’t what he actually wanted, cause  even though he loved his members and he was counting the days to have the family reunited as a whole he couldn’t help but be jealous of him and the times they could spend together and alone, when he was surely the only one to annoy him and make fun of him but also make him smile, brightly and full of life in his own special way.

How long had it been since a time like that? He couldn’t even recall it, his stomach clenching rather painfully at that fact. Too long, just too long, was the only answer he could muster, sighing quietly to himself.

A flash of afternoons spent in the practice room and dinners at the small store at the end of the street passed through his mind, conversations full of teasing and whines in that same room, high pitched laughters and cold noodles, limbs sore for dancing for hours and still that numb feeling of happiness and hope for a better future because they were working for it together. Memories tinted of nostalgia now but also heavy colors of regret when he was reminded of how many times he had a chance to just do something, anything, more.

Now, after all that time, all he had were those distant moments he jealously kept for himself and too many words unspoken he had never been brave enough to say out loud, not even to himself only, and that were starting to suffocate him, fighting to get out no matter how reckless and stupid they were. There was no hope for it, so why even bother? Pining was hurtful enough, without making it worse, without having to lose for good even the possibility of building new memories, simple and yet so dear to him, in the future, like he had convinced himself to believe on that day of June when he had said goodbye and suddenly his heart had started to hurt just a little bit more than it normally should.

 

_If these sheets were the states, and you were miles away,  
I'd fold them end over end to bring you closer to me_

_Because I don't sleep at all without you pressed up against me  
I settle for long distance calls, I'm lost in empty pillow talk again_

He shifted and turned on his side, staring annoyed at the wall like it could give him the solution to finally find peace, when another memory surfaced, less old and incredibly warm, featuring himself in that same position and a tiny body spooning him, arms weakly wrapped around his torso that still had managed to have the force to keep him anchored to the ground and his sanity when he had felt so lost and hopeless and, once again, he had been the only one able to comfort him.

And maybe, just maybe, that was the answer he had been looking for, suggested involuntarily by his tired brain and certainly crazy but still so right he asked himself why he hadn’t thought about it before (a small voice in the back of his head replied with a “you weren’t exhausted enough to become this idiotic before” but he decided to ignore it), while he felt under the pillow to look for his phone.

The sudden brightness made him groan a curse under his breath, forcing him to close his eyes for a second while he got used to the light coming from the screen enough to take a look at the time.

3.04

The quote from a stupid American tv show resonated in his mind at it “Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m, when 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep” and he murmured a “I’m trying to” at himself, while his fingers found his way toward the correct digit, typing the number by heart to avoid the unnecessary wait of his contact list opening that could make him change his mind and forwarding the call in an instant.

One ring, two, three, fo-

“You’ve got to have a fucking good reason to be calling right now”

He couldn’t help but smile, releasing the breath he hadn’t realize he was holding, even at his clearly pissed off tone. Despite the grogginess of being woken up from his sleep, his voice always kept that soothing power on him, being so familiar he could have recognized it among millions.

“Hi”

“…This is it?” but already from that he could feel part of Sungwoon’s annoyance fade away while he came slightly to his sense, not completely awake but vigil enough to probably realize that it wasn’t like him to call at that hour without a good reason “You’re unbelievable”

Taehyun chuckled lightly, the weight on his chest disappearing just at hearing him – truly, the unbelievable thing was his effect on him – and the little scoffs, so familiar too, he let out at his laughter.

“I’m sorry, did I woke you up?” he asked cheekily and the other guy snorted louder this time.

“I’m going to hung up now”  
“I couldn’t sleep”

Naturally, before he could stop them, those words escaped his lips, making the both of them stop for a second. Then he heard it: the soft shuffle of the blankets being moved, a door creaking, light barefoot steps on the floor and then a soft sight.

“I’m here”

“How are you?”

Sungwoon seemed to think deeply at his question, while he waited patiently, knowing that he couldn’t expect much else from a conversation at 3 a.m from a guy he had just forced out of bed, both literally and metaphorically.

“I’m not sure… The comeback went well and it’s good to meet fans and prepare for the future performances as well but it all seems so…final you know? Every time we do something it’s like everyone is thinking that this may be the last time we do that and the mood suddenly drops, I don’t like it”

Taehyun hummed in acknowledgement, completely relating to his words. He remembered vividly those last days with his project group and the sad smiles when they approached to all of those lasts, the last album, the last promotion, the last fanmeet, the last concert… It had hurt and his heart clenched briefly at the thought that Sungwoon had to go through the same or even worse, considering for how long Wanna One had been together.

“Are you sad? Do you wish you could extend the contract?”

Waiting for this answer is somewhat a torture, because what he could do if he said yes? How could he not support him if that would make him happy, even if it meant hurting himself?  
The younger snorted, for probably the nth time in the brief call, like he had said the most ridiculous thing ever.

“Are you kidding me? Of course not. I do feel sad but I did all of this for our family and I’m looking forward to come back and have some rest after the crazy schedules I had lately… Plus, I missed the guys, Junhyuk hyung and Moonkyu hyung and San and Hojung…”  
“What about me?”

“How can I miss you, you are an awful person that wakes me up at 3 a.m!” but despite the apparent scold of his words there was so much warmth in his tone that Taehyun felt overwhelmed for a second, unable of finding a reply to that.

 

_Collisions of a finer love, I'd kill for one more way  
To tell you how you make me better every day_

 

It was Sungwoon again, after some seconds of even breathes on the line, to break the quietness, softly calling his name.

“Taehyun hyung?”  
“Yeah”  
“Why couldn’t you sleep?”  
Another pause, silence stretching between them in a way that, he realized just then, it’s not that suffocating like before. Even being in silence felt comfortable if it was with Sungwoon, if he could at least feel his presence somewhat.

“I guess I missed you a little bit”  
And I missed your voice and your laugh and the way your eyes disappear when you smile, I miss even getting scolded by you for not caring more about my facial routine and the terrible smell of all those stuff you put on your skin – he thought, without saying it, cause saying that would definitely mean stepping boundaries they shouldn’t probably cross, probably never but for sure not in that moment.

“I’ll be back soon, you know? And then I’ll be around so much you’ll get sick of me and you’ll kick me out of our room”

He almost thought of hearing some kind of pain – that same pain he had felt in those months – hidden behind the playful tone of his voice, but he turned that down as a trick of his mind due to the time and the lack of sleep and that little sparkle of hope in his feelings not being unrequited that he had still not quite managed to kill, no matter how much he had tried.

“How do you know you’ll room with me?” he asked instead, focusing on the smallest, stupidest detail of his words not to reply that he could think of a parallel universe in which he could get tired of his cloud.

“I have my sources” a small burst of giggles, just enough to mess Taehyun’s stomach a little bit more, and silence again, broken soon by the question “You still can’t sleep?”  
“I’m not sure…” came the unsure answer. If on one hand he was feeling much more relaxed and ready to give up to Morpheus, on the other side he just didn’t feel like closing that call just yet, not when it was another moment just for them, the first after so long and he could actually feel special like never before at the thought that Ha Sungwoon was giving up to his precious beauty sleep just for him.

“You know my song… Forever and a Day?”

And how could he not know? He had spent so much time listening to it, just to be sure to appreciate the younger’s voice in it at its best, in all the ways he seemed to follow the heartbreaking feeling of the songs, of its lyrics, feeling it with an emotion that left Taehyun breathless everytime.

_Oh I love you, and I will you, forever and a day…_

Yeah he obviously knew the song by heart at that point, but he still only hummed an assent, letting him continue.

Except that Sungwoon exhaled a deep breath and kept quiet for a while, weighting his words way more than he usually did, until he sighed, frustrated.

“Nothing, Daehwi said it’s good for sleeping, that’s all” and that sounded way to fake but Taehyun decided not to point it out, having known at his expenses (once having a bottle of face cream thrown at him) to mind his business and wait for the other to come at him to talk. It had always happened that way, anyway, and he hoped – nor he wanted to be sure – that they could come back to the normality soon enough, to them side by side, to the other pestering him and him pretending to get mad while he was thankful for his existence in his life every day a little bit more.

While no one said anything for a while, the older yawned, sleep finally coming at him, and frowned lightly, still not ready to let go, not if he could have some moments more.

“Sungwoon?” he called and the hum on the other side of the call was enough for him to breathe out “Tell me something”

And if he had understood that he just needed to hear his voice to feel complete Sungwoon didn’t said it. He just started talking about the most trivial things, about Woojin and Jihoon being loud at night some days ago making Jisung punishing them by putting them in different rooms for the night, about Seongwoo breaking something trying to cook and him and the kids studying together even though it felt so weird to study with babies…

Taehyun barely heard it all, not really paying attention to anything but the warm voice lulling him to closing his eyes. Like that, he could almost imagined like Sungwoon was close to him, just at his side in his bed, close enough for him to touch him just by reaching out with an hand, making him feel content enough to forget about anything else.

Soon, he would have him back.

And maybe, who knew, he could have a chance of having him pressed against him and falling asleep with the person he loved.

But meanwhile…meanwhile this was enough.

 

_I'm lost in empty pillow talk again_


End file.
